The unspeakable English

2018

 

Wu Hua felt so relived when he saw that there was already a woman ordering in front of the counter. The fan was on and it was making a constant buzzing noise on the ceiling. Good, or it would be awkward if I were the only person here. All the waiters will only stare at me then. He walked to the counter while looking down at his wrist where his watch was. He already knew it was exactly two twenty-three in the afternoon. He checked it right before he entered the coffee shop. He checked simply because he needed his eyes to be busy so he didn’t have to worry about accidentally making eye contact with people. I will get a bagel, a plain one. He thought, glancing sideways at the menu board on the wall to his right. No. I will order a whole wheat one with smoked salmon and cream cheese. Wu Hua thought, changing his mind. I don’t like cream cheese but that’s what people do with sandwiches. I don’t know what else to put on a bagel. Maybe I will just scrape it off when I eat. He pulled on the bottom of his shirt and rolled his shoulders back slightly. Then he smoothed out the wrinkle with a few quick slaps like he was trying to get some dirt off of the shirt. He had been careful not to stand with his toes pointing inwardly or with his back hunched. He knew how a confident person should look like. He had read every single advice he could find online on that subject. It’s my turn next, maybe I should get a coffee as well? He gave it a hard thought. After all he did feel quite thirsty. His eyebrows pinched slightly towards the middle. No, that’s too complicated. I’ll have to stand here longer for that. Has she finished ordering yet? He lifted his eyelids up a little bit to get a peek at the woman in front while pretending to brush the hair away from his forehead. Soon. He coughed to clear his throat as lightly as he could after that and wiped his hands on the side of his jeans. The denim there turned a darker color. Remember to smile when you speak, and make eye contact! He decided to run his line in his mind to make sure he knew exactly what to say. Just say, I’ll have a… a what? Shit, did I think sesame bagel before? No, a whole wheat bagel you idiot! It should be a whole wheat bagel with smoked salmon and cream cheese. He practiced again. A whole bagel with smoked salmon and cream cheese. No! A whole wheat bagel with smoked salmon and cream cheese! Stop messing it up! The woman started to put her wallet back into her purse. The buckle of her purse clicked. A whole wheat bagel with smoked salmon and cream cheese. Wu Hua tried to let his arms and hands hang down casually on the sides of his body while he stepped closer to the counter. A whole wheat bagel with smoked salmon and cream cheese. He remembered to stretch out a smile with his lips and made eye contact with the boy at the counter who was staring back at him. A whole wheat bagel with smoked salmon and cream cheese. He couldn’t decide whether he should blink or not. He’s got such an annoyed expression on his face. Did I do something wrong? Am I being too slow to order? Quick, say what I have just practiced! Don’t be such a coward! I know the line already! He blinked, quickly wiped the sweat off of the tip of his nose and opened his mouth. A whole wheat bagel with smoked salmon and cream cheese, a whole wheat bagel with smoked salmon and cream cheese. Just when he was about to speak out the first word, he felt something flipping intensely inside of his chest. He immediately reached for the counter with both of his arms and bent forward as though he was suddenly pushed hard by a giant hand on his back. From the dark hole of his throat, two fat stinky salty fish drenched in slime slipped out. They hit the surface with a bang that sounded wet and squishy. Their emotionless fish eyes stared emptily at Wu Hua and the boy behind the counter whose face now wore the expression of a silent scream. The fish struggled as viciously as they could and fell onto the floor. The sound echoed in the coffee shop, very loudly and clearly.

 

说不出口的英语

2018

 

当他看到柜台前已经有一个女人在点单了时,吴华大大地松了一口气。开着的电风扇在天花板持续发出嗡嗡的声响。太好了,如果只有我一个人的话就太尴尬了。所有的服务员都会盯着我的。他低头看着手腕上的手表走向了柜台。他早知道现在正好是下午两点二十三分。他在进咖啡店门之前就已经查看过了。他看表只是因为他需要他的眼睛有点事干,这样就不用担心不小心和别人对视了。我要一个贝果,最普通的那种。他瞟了一眼右边墙上的菜单想着。不,我要点一个全麦的贝果加烤三文鱼和奶油干酪。吴华改变了主意。我不喜欢奶油干酪,可是大家都是这么点的。我也不知道还能在贝果上放别的什么东西。大不了吃的时候把它刮掉好了。他扯了扯他的衣服下面,然后向后微微舒展了一下肩膀。之后他像掸掉灰尘一样快速扑棱了他的衣服几下来抚平了皱褶。他很小心的不要内八站着或者弯腰驼背。他知道一个自信的人应该看起来是什么样子的。他读过在网上他所能找到的所有关于此的建议。下一个就到我了,也许我可以再点一杯咖啡?他很认真地想了想。他的确觉得挺渴的。他轻轻皱了下眉。不行,太麻烦了。点了还得站这里等好久。她点完了没有?他借着假装把额前的头发拨开的时机抬起眼皮悄悄扫视了一下前面的女人。快了。他尽量轻地清了下嗓子,还在牛仔裤的两边擦了下双手。那里的牛仔变成了更深一点的颜色。说话时记得要微笑,要看着对方的眼睛!他决定在脑子里过一遍等下要说的话。就说,我要一个要一个什么来着?妈的,我之前是想的芝麻贝果吗?不对,是全麦的贝果你个白痴!应该是一个全麦的贝果加烤三文鱼和奶油干酪!他又练习了一次。一个全贝果加烤三文鱼和奶油干酪。不对!一个全麦贝果加烤三文鱼和奶油干酪!别再出错了!那个女人开始把她的钱包放回到包里。包的搭扣发出了哒的一声响。一个全麦的贝果加烤三文鱼和奶油干酪。吴华在走近柜台时试图让他的双手自然垂在身体的两侧。一个全麦的贝果加烤三文鱼和奶油干酪。他看着正盯着他的柜台后的男孩,记得用嘴唇拉扯出了一个微笑。一个全麦的贝果加烤三文鱼和奶油干酪。他不能决定到底要不要眨眼。他的表情看起来好不耐烦。是我做错了什么吗?我是不是点的太慢了?快点,快说刚刚练习的话!我知道要说什么的!他眨了下眼,快速地抹去了鼻尖上的汗,然后张开了嘴巴。一个全麦的贝果加烤三文鱼和奶油干酪,一个全麦的贝果加烤三文鱼和奶油干酪。正当他将要说出第一个字的时候,他感受到了胸前一阵强烈的翻涌。他立刻伸出双臂扑向了柜台,就像突然被一只巨大的手推了一下似的后背一下子弯向前去。从他喉咙的黑洞里,滑出了两条浑身裹满粘液,肥硕恶臭的咸鱼。它们吧唧一下湿哒哒,富有弹性地摔在了台面上。它们的死鱼眼空洞地盯着吴华和柜台后表情仿佛在发出无声呐喊的男孩。咸鱼们奋力地挣扎着摔到了地面上。吧唧的声音巨大又清晰地回响在咖啡店里。